Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
