I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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