Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?