i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
