you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
