I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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