I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
