I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So much rum. So many feels.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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