Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
