Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
