Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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