it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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