Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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