Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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