So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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