Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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