Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
