I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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