god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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