i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
