Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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