I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
