i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
