i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
