I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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