my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
