Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
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it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
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Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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