i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
