I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
