Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
