If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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