Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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