dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
