What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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