I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
