Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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