Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
