we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
