Cold hands, warm shart.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
