You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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