I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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