Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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