How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
