it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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