she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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