First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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