So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
