I didn't shave. On purpose
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
