the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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