Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
