Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
