Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
