so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
