I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
