So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
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If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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