Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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