my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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