Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The best revenge is premature balding
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
