But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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